


A Million Reasons Why

by sparkly_butthole



Series: The Future Is Ours [11]
Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Fluff and Angst, M/M, Shepard is a sap, mentions of Nyreen Kandros
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-18
Updated: 2017-11-18
Packaged: 2019-02-03 22:34:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,017
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12757506
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sparkly_butthole/pseuds/sparkly_butthole
Summary: “Wait, are you asking because you had a bad dream? Really, Shepard?”“Or maybe I’ve been here way longer than you promised me and would like to tell my husband I’m okay?”“Your… wait a minute here, your husband? You have a husband?”“Yep. And you know him, too.”“I have no idea… no, no way. Don’t tell me it’s that wet rag they made second human Spectre.”Aria’s voice drips with distaste, and Shepard lets out a growl from deep in his throat. “That wet rag is my everything, T’Loak, so be careful what you say next.”Written for Kaidan Appreciation Week 2017





	A Million Reasons Why

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ellebeedarling](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ellebeedarling/gifts).



Aria stomps through Talon territory like a petulant child. Shepard doesn’t have much choice but to follow her, though at this point he nearly loathes the idea. She’s done nothing but bitch and moan about Kandros under her breath- and occasionally less subtly than that, too- since she showed up two days ago.

“I knew it was a stupid idea to work with her,” Aria spits out. Truth be told, Shepard doesn’t necessarily disagree with Aria’s reasoning, but he has his own immature streak; he almost wants to argue  just for the hell of it.

“Well, she’s not wrong about sending Beta squad to protect the civilians. We can still get it done without them, and they are fully capable of saving people. It’s a win-win. You just don’t want _her_ to win.”

“That’s not true, Shepard, and you know it’s not. I can admit when she’s got smart ideas. This just isn’t one of them.”

“Aria, look at me.”

He grabs her shoulder, which might’ve been a stupid move if he’d been anyone else. But he’s Shepard, and she’s well aware he could crush her before she knew what was happening. Which is kind of the point.

“I’m here because you trusted me to coordinate the ground teams. This might be your station, but I’m in charge of combat, and I say we’ve got this just fine. Trust me. You’ve seen me in action, just trust me.”

Aria scowls, then nods reluctantly. “You better be right. I’ll come back and haunt you if we die today.”

He nods. “Aye-aye, ma’am.”

Brows furrowed in irritation, Aria stalks off. He makes a face.

God, he misses Kaidan.

 

***

 

It isn’t that he dislikes Aria. She’s headstrong, a little too much so, but it comes from an inner strength and a refusal to bow down to someone else’s rules. It’s too chaotic for his tastes, but he respects the woman for it nonetheless. But when she doesn’t get her way, she can be quite irritating.

And taking Omega from Aria is pretty much the epitome of making sure she doesn’t get her way. Unfortunately, he’s the one on the receiving end of her wrath.

“Ugh, why do you move so slowly? Come on, get to the elevator!”

“Because I’m assessing threats and finding things to help the war effort. I don’t know how you think I’ve stayed alive all this time, Aria, but there’s a reason you put me in charge. Now let me work and we’ll get to where we’re going when we need to be there.”

Fucking hell, he misses _Kaidan._

 

_***_

 

“Wait, are you asking because you had a bad dream? Really, Shepard?”

“Or maybe I’ve been here way longer than you promised me and would like to tell my husband I’m okay?”

“Your… wait a minute here, your husband? You have a husband?”

“Yep. And you know him, too.”

“I have no idea… no, no way. Don’t tell me it’s that wet rag they made second human Spectre.”

Aria’s voice drips with distaste, and Shepard lets out a growl from deep in his throat. “That wet rag is my everything, T’Loak, so be careful what you say next.”

“Even if you could escape me, I’d find you. You have no way off the station, or have you forgotten? And you can’t take down Cerberus on your own.”

_You underestimate me, my dear,_ he thinks dangerously.

“You think I’m just a pretty face and some hired muscle? You’re sadly mistaken if you think I have no contingency plan in place. _Normandy_. Now. I’ll call my personal cabin only. You have my word.”

 

***

 

“Hey, John.”

“Hey, sleepyhead.” He chuckles through his nose. “God, you’re adorable.”

“Ah… so I hear. Frequently.” Kaidan rubs his eyes and _ugh_ , he can’t stand it. He wants to ruffle that hair, rub that straight, strong back...

“Fuck, I fucking love you so much.”

A tired but satisfied sound flows through the comm, one made of whiskey and honey. “I know you do. I love you, too.”

“You fuckin’ better, Major. I miss you like crazy. Aria thinks it should only be three more days-”

“ _Three?_ ” Kaidan squeaks.

Ouch.

“Yeah, three. We’re… having some trouble getting the situation on Omega squared away.”

“Shepard, I swear to God, if something happens to you, I’m coming down there and fucking that woman up. You can tell her I said that.”

“I don’t have to. I’m sure she’s listening in.”

“Right.” Kaidan’s clearly fully awake now, and irritable to boot. This is _not_ how this conversation was supposed to go.

“Hey, hey. I’ll call you every day,” Shepard assures him, imagining Aria rolling her eyes.

“Does it matter if we can’t get any damn privacy?”

“Wow.” That hurt. “I don’t know, Kaidan, would you rather I didn’t call you at all? I could do that, too.”

“Fuck, John,” Kaidan replies, and he’s near tears, and it fucking hurts even more to see that.

“Hey, I’m sorry.”

“What do you have to be sorry for? I’m the asshole here.”

Aria’s voice chimes in from the next room. “Hey guys, if you’re done being sappy, there’s work to do! You can’t be on the comm all day, Shepard, that wasn’t the deal!”

“Shit, we’ve gotta go soon. Look, I just wanted you to know- this is killing me, being apart. You’re my rock, Kaidan. Without you-”

“The nightmares are back, aren’t they.” It’s a statement, and a true one. They both know it.

“Yeah, they are,” he answers just as quietly.

“Take care of yourself, John,” his husband whispers. “I’ll be right here waiting when you get back.”

“Aye, Major. Then I’m bending you over and fucking your brains out, you got it?”

Kaidan rolls his eyes but finally smiles at him. Success.

“Yeah, I got it, you jackass.”

“Good.” His voice softens again as he runs a finger over the intertwined dogtags that rest underneath his BDUs. “I love you. All my heart. Always.”

“Love you, too.”

They don’t say goodbye.

 

***

 

“Trouble in paradise?”

“Shut it, Aria.”

“At least now I know which one of you is on top.”

 

***

 

This is ridiculous- another long day on Omega and they’ve barely gained any more ground. Cerberus is everywhere. This time, they’re blocking bridge access, so they have to take another back way, which will probably be filled with even more troops. Along with those adjutant things… and even before he came here, he’d seen enough of Cerberus for ten lifetimes.

It means yet another day without his Kaidan.

After a brief chat with Harrot- like Shepard doesn’t remember Harrot screwing over that poor quarian kid; he’d never give business to someone like that, no matter how nice he is- he beds down. Next to him is a soldier named Brent who has three kids in lockdown back home. Even though they’re human, they are afraid for their lives and livelihood. Bray is lying on the other side of him, and although Shepard is understandably wary of batarians, Bray seems an honorable sort. Aria and her gang are chaotic, but that doesn’t mean they are necessarily evil people.

Still. He yearns for the simplicity of his Kaidan.

The combat information center is packed with upper-level Talon mercenaries and Aria’s men preparing for sleep, but Shepard has an idea and a few moments to tinker.

He moves away from the chaos of it all and walks to where their simple QEC, a ‘gift’ from Cerberus, is cordoned off. Aria watches him but stays put. He pulls up his omni-tool and starts typing.

 

_Kaidan:_

_I know I said I love you over the comm. I’ve said it for a few days now, ever since it became clear I’d be here for longer than expected. But I want to say so much more, and I don’t know how. I’m not a romantic and I was never any good with words._

_But let me try. Let me list the things I love about you. It’s only gonna scratch the surface, but it’s a start._

_I love:_

 

  * __Your smile__


  * _The smell of your skin_


  * _The way you let me take you apart and put you back together again_


  * _Your bed head in the morning_


  * _The way you painstakingly measure out just that perfect amount of sugar for your tea_


  * _The way you watch me when you think I’m not looking_


  * _Your integrity_


  * _Your unimaginable beauty_



 

 

His fingers hover over the send button, but he decides against hitting it just yet. The list isn’t long enough.

He has so much more to say.

 

***

 

The following morning brings bloodshed and heartache, a typical day on Omega. They manage to cross the bridge- with heavy casualties- but, as usual, the next leg of their journey is blocked by adjutants. To move forward would necessitate sleeping in the dark with the damn things, but to move backward would risk losing the territory again, making this some kind of war of attrition. They can’t stay there in the open. And Shepard has a galaxy to save.

Not to mention… _him_. Don’t think his name.

Kaidan. Kaidan Shepard-Alenko, his husband, the love of his life, the second human Spectre… all the things Kaidan is made of run through his head like a mantra.

He is absolutely _sick_ of this hellhole.

“Hey, Aria,” he says as they await the next wave of adjutants. Shepard’s supposed to be trying to figure out how to move the troops to protect the ground they’ve made up today but also let them get enough sleep to be strong tomorrow. Assuming he and Aria can cut a path through the tunnels, the rest of this mission should be a piece of cake.

But all he can think about is his husband.

“Hey, Shepard,” she mocks, sing-song.

He growls back. Such a petulant little brat. Especially considering the woman’s nearly a thousand years old.

“Tomorrow at the latest. That’s it.”

“Is that so?”

He says nothing, just watches her impassively. But his eyes speak volumes, and he knows they do.

“Listen here, Alliance boy. Do you think you’re the only person to have ever been in love? To have ever felt like your heart would burst every time you think about them? Well, I’ve got news for you. You’re not. And right now we have more important things to worry about than your love life.”

“Right. Because the person you’ve all decided is the savior of the galaxy- who’s already lost his life once- deserves to be parted from him against his will for far longer than the contract specified.”

“A, there was no contract, and B, you came of your own free will.”

“If you’d let me bring him, we wouldn’t be-”

“Stop. Just stop.”

She holds up a hand tiredly; he’s never realized how the lines on her face have lengthened, deepened. She’s growing old in front of his eyes. Somehow, he’s missed it- easy to do in the face of her still-impressive power. Yet he takes note and silences himself.

“Look, I get it. Nyreen and I… we had something. And I would do the same if the roles were reversed. Your love is new- maybe not your feelings, but certainly your relationship, or the news vids would’ve been all over it.”

He stays quiet; she’s right.

“So here’s the deal. We make this final push and by tomorrow night, Omega will be mine. You’ll have the gangs’ support and my fleet. Don’t think I don’t understand, Shepard. Love is universal, and I’m not a sociopath like some seem to think. But this has to get done and we’re almost there. So buckle down, yeah?”

Shepard sighs. “Yeah. I’m sorry. Sometimes I forget there’s a person underneath your gruff exterior. You don’t make it easy to like you, Aria.”

Her return grin is feral; it reminds him of Jack, a comparison both women would likely shoot him for. “My intention is not for people to like me, it’s for them to respect me.”

“Still has to be lonely at the top.”

“You would know. Maybe not for the same reasons, but you would know.”

 

***

 

_The op’s headed south fast. Cerberus has them trapped in Talon territory; the Illusive Man himself has joined the fight and provided Petrovsky with more troops, too many even for him to fight without an entire platoon. It’s the biggest defeat he’s ever suffered, and they’re closing in._

_Even worse, Kaidan is here, Kaidan who he could’ve sworn he’d left back on the Normandy._

_“Perimeter breached! Perimeter br-”_

_The cry cuts off with a choking sound, and down goes a batarian soldier who, John knows, lived most of his life as a priest before he decided to join the defense of Omega. Kaidan’s asleep in the bedroll next to his; he forcefully awakens him to get ready for a final stand. This is the end, they both know. Cerberus will take Omega. Aria, John, and Kaidan will go down fighting the last group of people they should’ve had to fight. The Reapers will win._

_This was a horrible idea, his mind helpfully supplies._

_He hunkers down behind a crate, pulling Kaidan with him, making sure his husband’s surrounded by the blue glow of a barrier, as much good it’ll do them. But he’s determined to take out as many of these bastards as possible before they go down._

_Kaidan pops out to fire a shot and just as his barrier extinguishes, a shot hits him right in the neck, like the bullet had his name on it. Arterial spray forms a river beneath the two of them. His husband goes down in the_

_(RED)_

_and maybe he can reach him in time, maybe he can add to Kaidan’s medi-gel and save his life-_

_“NononoNONO!” he shouts, but too late, now they’ve got him too, they’re pulling him and taking him somewhere, the Illusive Man probably, this time they’ll destroy his free will, he’ll be their puppet. He’ll forget Kaidan, or even worse, they’ll force him to remember…_

 

Shepard jerks awake at midnight, soaked in sweat. There are tears lurking at the corners of his eyes, but thankfully he hasn’t started to cry just yet. They threaten, though. Most of the men nearby remain asleep, but he’s awakened Aria even though she’d slept on the other side of the room. She gives him a knowing look, but there’s no mockery in it today. Sympathy, maybe, but she’d deny it if she could.

_One more day, then I can see Kaidan. Then I can hold his hard body, touch his soft skin… kiss him…_

Shepard is far from sleep now, so he moves back to the corner, feeling Aria’s eyes on him once more. He no longer gives a shit, though. If he falls apart just seven days after leaving his husband behind, so be it.

He opens the letter on his omni-tool and types.

 

_One more day, my love, and I’ll be home. One way or another. You’re so… pure, and good, and your heart- true to everything you believe in. I miss it so much. I miss you so much, all of you._

_Had another nightmare, so I figured maybe I’d be able to get back to sleep if I focus on you for awhile. All those wonderful things that make you who you are._

 

_I love:_

_The way you bite your cheek when you’re thinking_

_The way you bite your lip when you want me to kiss you_

_The way you don’t know that I know that_

_Your horrible flirting_

_How you smile when your mom calls you snuggle bunny_

_Your sexy muscles and soft skin_

_Your even sexier brain_

_How shy you get when you ask for what you want in bed_

_How assertive you get when you ask for what you want out of bed_

_Your blush and how it spreads all the way down your body_

_Your dogtags that I wear so close to my heart_

 

_See? I already feel much calmer._

_Soon, my love. I will see you again soon._

 

_***_

 

He finally sends Kaidan the message about fifteen minutes before docking. When he opens the door to the cabin, his N7-pajama-wearing husband is awaiting him with the dopiest smile ever, which makes this all so adorable and so goddamn _sexy_ and he just wants to devour the man whole. Like he’s never eaten a day in his life.

“What else do I adore about you, huh?”

“Shep-”

Shepard ignores him, grabbing Kaidan by the hips and effortlessly picking him up. Kaidan wraps his legs and arms around him in return and holds on with muscles taut. Shepard wants to feel them under his fingers and his mouth so much he can practically taste it.

“I… love… you… because… “ he starts, dragging each word out as though he has to think of something.

He kisses Kaidan, just a peck, but Kaidan’s caught in the whirlwind that is John Shepard now. He couldn’t speak even if he wanted to.

“Because of the way you wear my pajamas,” and Kaidan blushes scarlet, a color that John plans to make him wear for the remainder of the evening. He kisses him again, mouth open just a bit, a promise;

“Because of the way you overseason everything,” and Kaidan opens his mouth to argue but anything he could’ve said is stopped by John, thief that he is, stealing the words right out of his mouth;

“Because of the way your heart beats underneath my hand,” and John pulls him snug with one hand so he can feel the tell-tale heart;

“Because of how loud you snore,” and Kaidan’s face is so indignant it makes Shepard laugh and pull him even closer;

“Because of your morning breath,” and here he kisses Kaidan so full and passionate it feels like dying;

“Because of the way you wear my collar,” Shepard whispers against his lips as he deposits him on the bed, both of them out of breath from the carry, the walk, the arousal, and that’s it. They’re gone, drowning in the love they feel for one another, husband and husband reunited at last.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to [Arke](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Arke/pseuds/Arke) for the beta! <4 u bab!


End file.
